Friday, August 7, 2009
Today is already tommorow. It didn't feel much different from yesterday, i'm sitting in this same spot and craking my head away with much effort of what to write about and using the right words.I'm waiting for someone to message my lonely purple phone, God why can't it just ring already? And still i can't find anyone to help me with this blog *frown*.Why am i always so dependant on good things to happen to make my day? Dancing in the rain just feels so overated and...dawnly imposible.Everyone is SO busy with their own things and i have my own load to worry about too.I have decided about moving to K-12(American online schooling in Damasara Perdana), i'm still praying about it. Honestly i never thought i will be obliged to feel such a burden to leave GRC, i feel this lump in my throat everytime i picture myself walking into a new schooling life. Maybe i've given the impression of not liking my school very much, i haven't been going to school for two months or even more(did work at home).I dyed my hair, i like to talk and walk around borrowing stationaries but i don't hate my school. Maybe some people think i'm rebellious because of my awesome hairdo and forgetting to take off my earrings, but i do not intend to break rules and make my teachers hate me.I DONT.
I respect my teachers but really i just need to be heard sometimes.I am NOT a rebellious girl and i'm really not a bad person, i do not ever intend to give people a hard time and look like i'm being a bad student. I love my school, i love my friends there and somehow i miss my teachers. I haven't worshipped lead for a long time, nor have i played guitar for God. I looked back and feel kind of sad that i can't bring myself back to those times. I practically grew up in GRC, i have had my saddest and painful moments and my happiest joyful events of growing up as a teenager with everyone's support there and i had a second family i can fallback to everytime i mess up.
Life pulled me into so many directions and in the end, i'm already 18.I still remeber the first day of stepping into GRC, i had my overly large uniform and grey skirt on. I wore black socks and shoes. I remember walking nervously into the center with my really pink bagpack and long hair. I've seen people go, and newcomers settling in and now i'm playing the role of the one leaving.
I still recall who is uncle Jonathan, my first supervisor. He believed in me, though i do not remember being a bright student, he still thinks i'm brilliant and he always made sure that i find no difficulties doing my work.I felt like an A student around him. It was also his idea to give me a christian name, i was reborned as Dawn.
I met God in GRC, i have heard about Jesus before that but i didn't know that He will be the most important person in my life. I've seen the catholic crucifix with this man hanging on it, times and times i have wondered who is this man and why is he hanging on a cross.But no one told me, my family told me it was just for deco.When i was a kid, i didn't think that was it. The man on the cross had a crown of thorns and He was nailed onto a cross, bleeding. And i always had this sad feeling that i couldn't explain when i stared at it, it was the pain of not recognizing my savior.I remember my first chapel, it was also my first praise and worship. I had no idea why were the people there so happy and clapping away when they played the fast songs(praise) but i clapped along anyway because i liked the beat and there was just someting inside of me that day that made me sang along and when worship came this wave of unexplained presence overwhelmed me. Not following everyone else, i found myself lifting my hands, i felt myself sway and closing my eyes tightly hoping to fall deeper in that presence. That was the day i met God, i was introduced in spirit to His love and i felt for the first time, His grace.
I thought the worship team was really really cool, honestly those days i imagined myself holding the guitar like teck meng and singing away. I got more excited to learn playing the guitar, all the while before that, my dad wouldn't let me go for lessons but just that year that i went to GRC i was given a chance to finaly go for guitar lessons. And guess what? In few months time, i was playing for the chapel team, i was proud(not in the bad way) and honored that i get to play for Chanelle and Jon.But i remeber too, that it wasn't for someone i wouldn't have gotten this opportunity of a lifetime.
Ms. Catherine. The same year i was new to GRC, she was too. I said hi to you the first day you came looking around, but you did not respond nor look at me, maybe you thought that i was saying hi to someone else or simply that i'm really short and perhaps you didn't see me. I didn't know that you became my next supervisor and the one to influence many parts of my life. I remember that i just learned to strum my guitar, i didn't think i was good at all and i knew only a few chords but you came down from the canteen and said i strum quite well and learning fast.Maybe you didn't know, but that encouraged me to learn and strife harder.I went home that day and banged my guitar proudly. If you remember those times that i worship lead those times i played my guitar during chapel. It was all thanks to you, you made me what i was on stage, u made me what i dreamt of being when i was 15. I know i havent been a good student, you had to tolerate my stubborness, my hot headedness, my mood, my laziness and my emotional teenage phrase. Thank you for the times u hear me out, though i was complaining away about small and unimportant tings about my teen life. Thanks for tolerating this annoying teenager that made a big deal out of every little thing about growing up, this teenager that thought that every little bump in life is the end of the world. You somehow showed me that it was just the beggining, remember? it is not the end yet, if it's not a happy ending. You were also the one to use your precious time to stay back after school to have a short prayer devotion meeting in the testing room with me.You taught me to pray in tongue and you baptised me with the Holy spirit. I don't know why i can't tell you this face to face, i'm afraid i'll cry and i don't know how to face you after being so rude and ignorant to you.I'm really sorry, sorry i didn't do my work, sorry to have fought with you and sorry i havent been a good girl you once knew i will be. I'm sorry for dissapointing you.I havent been a good student.I'm sorry i never thaked you enough for the things you sacrificed for me and on my behelf. Remember one time during the after school prayer meeting? I told you i will do my best to make every knee bow to our true God? i knw i havent been practising and showing but Ms. Cat, i am and i will fulfill this promise and dream. I'm sorry we sorta lost contact but i will always remember what you taught me and i will keep it in me when i leave. Thank you, if there's a chance next time i would like to follow you on a seremban trip again.
Mr fan, you've been like a father to me. You are really tall and that makes me feel tall and safe next to you. You always believed that i was obedient,even though i do not look like it. I really wanted to be a good student with a calling. I tried but not hard enough, i lost my way and i have hurt you by breaking rules. If i could undo having my ears pierced then, and dying my hair for alot of times i would. I would try hard again to be that obedient student you believe i was.I was having alot of problems outside of school and somehow it affected my character, i acted very selfishly and like i'm always ready to rebel. You somehow knew that i was having problems , and you would always ask if i was ok and you recommended me counselling. You have no blood connections with me and yet you worried about me like i was you daughter. You don't know how sorry i am, i dyed my hair and peirced my ears because i wanted attention, i like the look but i feel stupid for doing it because of that reason. Before and even after what i did, you still cared for me, there's no way i can explain why but maybe it's Jesus's love through you.I remember there was one time after hiking during the first broga camp, there was a big black dog in our way barking which scared most of the girls but you stood right infront of the dog fearless and made it go away. I also remember paradise live, i was reluctant to go at first but i decided to join last minute and you had to take an extra van for the few of us, that night brought me to where i belong to my church and it changed my life. I'm sorry for dissapointing you, i havent been acting like a student with a calling i havent been a good student to the best principal i could ever have. Thank you for your time and thanks for having my back all the time, i'm sorry that i could only realize that now.
Uncle Kevin. You look like the guy who acted in pink panther. I don't really know you, but i've always admired you. I usually dare not rebel when you're near. Alot of people think you're a great teacher and me too though i wasn't in your class. I could see it through the way you preached. You're really wise and you're also merciful to the students. In your preaching and sharing, i have learned about alot of things i didn't knew and thanks for taking me to seremban, i still remember the fun, the beach, the bbq and melaka's awesome night pasar.I'm already leaving now, but i wish i knew you more.I apologize for being a bad student.
And to all the new teachers like Mr. Nicholas, teacher Ruth and some that i don't even know your name, i'm sorry that maybe i acted and looked really unfriendly, infact i was just shy to talk or say hi to you guys. I will miss you guys too, sorry for walking around and talking too much mr. Nick, i never intend to piss you off and i didn't want to give you an impression that i'm a rebel.Looks like i didn't really succeed, but i'm really not bad i didn't mean to be disobedient. Though i didn't know you much, i think it was pretty cool that a teacher purposely learned drums to support chapel and i heard you beat carlson in dance mat during loud. I didn't know that you were so strong for i remember that day that you helped get the ball the juniors accidenly threw up some wall. You got up there with one hand!
It's the truth here, i do not want to say it, but i cried when i typed this. I'm not lying, i really am sorry. I hope you guys see this, maybe it's time that my calling is no longer in GRC but i will always remember where it all started. I will soon face the adult world and i will face it with God and as the Dawn you guys built me up to be.My tommorows will no longer be like my yesterdays. Mr fan, Ms cat, Uncle Kevin, Mr. Nick and all the supervisors in Grc and GRC itself, DO NOT give up in what you do, please, many other student need you guys. Thanks for sacrificing for me and hurts but it's time for me to move on, i don't know how to say i'm sorry and i don't know how to give thanks and lastly, i'm not good at goodbyes.But i know that i have to grow up, goodbye my second family in GRC, i will always remember you and your love.
Dawn.
